Learning

Well, I'm writing this down to record because sometimes typing is easier than hand-writing (oh the modern age!) and I want to get this down.  But what I'm saying is: I'm learning so much about myself.  I suppose this happens every summer, especially: I'm / we're thrown out of our elements and into something new and temporary, and it forces us to re-examine our lives.  Okay, fair enough.  Last summer was difficult, feeling trapped and lob-less and internship-less and insecure, &c., and dealing with unresolved issues from school.

Now, this summer, of course, I'm back in Europe.  I hadn't been back since December, when I left Amsterdam--thinking, maybe I'm never to return to this home.  Maybe I'll never live here again.  Maybe I'll never even spend extended time here again.  It was okay because I knew it was going to be that way, and I'd prepared for it and thought about it, so it didn't hurt.  But now it hurts.  That's when you know what you want, I suppose--when you feel wistfulness or jealousy; it's more informative than a passing pondering (ah what lovely alliteration!).  If you don't know your feelings: BAM!  There they are.  Quite informative.  I have trouble knowing what I want.  So here I am in Belgium, finding out I'm still in mad love with the Netherlands, that even though I used to think Sweden was the best country on Earth (with evidence to support my conclusion!)--my growing infatuation is outweighing even that thought pattern.

It begins: I come to Belgium, and I'm determined to learn French.  I have my MP3 courses and my belief that I will read all the signs around me and hear French all around me every day, and then I'll be inspired & I'll learn.  I visit a friend first in Paris for four days: clearly, clearly, I'm going to learn!  I've studied just a bit before I left the U.S., so it'll be great.  Except, I get here, and the immediate sensation I feel is--not desire to learn French, but a desperate longing for Dutch instead.  Instead of billboards in French or conversations around me in French...I become bitter and I want them to be (more? exclusively?) in Dutch.  Despite being in a predominantly Flemish country, I am surrounded by French.  It's not that I dislike French or that I don't ever want to learn it.  But when you want one thing and you're given another, you learn to become resentful.  I just don't want to learn it at the expense of Dutch.  And, economics teaches us that specialisation is the most cost- and time-efficient allocation of...well, energy and time.  I could split my time between focusing on the two languages, but then I would be missing out on the benefits of specialisation of trade and comparative advantage.  I have some training in Dutch already: comparative advantage.  Not that I'm actually going to be able to effectively trade my Dutch-learning (or any skills I might acquire) with / for French skills...wait!  That's not true!  Aha!  I have friends here learning French instead, so an effective trade can occur, optimising the utility & quality-of-language-use of everyone involved!  Now I feel better.

Anyway.  So it begins there.  I feel upset with being surrounded by more French than Dutch, and I still firmly resolve to stay in Belgium and not travel to Amsterdam--money and time reasons, of course, but also: I want to establish myself here (as much as I can, given the time constraints).  And I don't want to make myself hate where I am because it's not A'dam or a Dutch city.  Isolation is key.  Then I'm at these couch-surfers events, and I'm meeting wonderful people, and there are these two Flemish guys and this German girl and we're all talking and so forth...and it is revealed that the German is currently a student in Groningen, NL, and has been for 2 years.  She speaks fluent Dutch now, because she is taking all of her (technical psychology) classes in Dutch.  She was given a 4-week crash-course when she got there, along with the other German students, and then--right into Dutch classes.  The Flemish kids say they would have sworn she was Dutch from her accent when speaking English.  She's talking about how she wants to stay in the NL in the future, long-term / permanently, and how she can't stand the idea that she'd ever have to go anywhere that takes longer than 30 minutes by bike, &c. &c. and the Flemish guys are laughing at her saying, 'God, wow, you sound like a Dutch person'.  And there's this craving inside of me: this desperate wistful need to be in Groningen, or Utrecht, or Muiden or A'dam...not Vleuten but maybe Leiden or Haarlem... to learn Dutch and be a confident biker.  To have gone through these things.

Oh, it gets worse after that, but the point is there's an awakening.  I'm now watching and listening to Disney musicals in Dutch, and of course there's Harry Potter in Dutch.  Coming back to Europe, I thought at first, well, now I've satisfied the craving.  I've reached the satiation point, and now there's no need to return.  What a pity, but I guess I might end up staying in the same country as my home-base point for the rest of this earthly experience...travelling internationally for work, but coming back home to the U.S.  Oh well.  There are awesome places to live in the U.S., so I guess it doesn't matter.  I hope health care gets better, but, it'll be okay.  But this idea: the idea that it's over, that I don't want it anymore--it's now so painfully obviously not true.  That was something startling.  I have learned that my love affair with some things European is clearly not over.  I don't know what's going to happen now, or where I'm going--but I'm going back to the Netherlands, in the cliche of: at some point, in some way (feels like I'm in a bad movie or heroic novel now)...  Anyway.

But I have successfully celebrated at least 2 Belgian holidays / festivities so far, and plan to celebrate another this weekend.  The first was the transfer of the EU Presidency to Belgium in the beginning of this month, with the 3 July celebrations going on by the Commission and Parliament buildings.  Then there were the 21 July 'National Day' (dumb title or what?) celebrations here in town, lasting all day with fireworks at night.  And this whole week (and some of next week), there's the Gentsefeesten (Ghent parties / Ghent festivities), with music all over the city.  It's already mostly a car-free zone (HOW COOL ARE THE FLEMISH!?), so I suppose there's not a lot of traffic to stop, but it's also a student town, + again, Flemish (i.e. ish-Dutch speaking), and it's the first city / village / town in the world to go vegetarian for the planet.  Once a week is 'Veggie Day', where restaurants are encouraged to offer vegetarian fare, and civil servants and public officials (and everyone else) are all encouraged to opt for vegetarian (or vegan) food.  Sweeeeeet, huh?  Plus, Flemish town = Dutchish town in this case, with medieval buildings and canals...can't wait.

So that's my update on my life.  Interviewing European Commission officials has been fun, and I hope I do something with all of their interviews that is worth it, and that I like, and that uses their time and information well.  I leave town in a week, so, that's almost it I suppose for my summer adventures!  For the record, though: I do like this town.  I think I would even like it a lot more if I was more secure / comfortable in Dutch-speaking, and if I then was also speaking French on top of it.  But I do love this town, and my time here, and my wonderful housemate and all of her friends, and the people at the VUB.  They're all great, and it's been--a right privilege to know them!