Dear Family and Friends (and self!),
Well. It's been like 2 weeks or so.
Happy November!
November is a strange month because -- a) it's been my best month and b) it's a complicated month full of planning for the future, which is always a stressful and confusing process. I mean, who knows what comes next? And who knows what I really really want, hidden underneath all the things I've decided that I want--or, what I should say (and what I really mean) is: who knows what I will really want by the time I've graduated from here? See, that's the big question. Because I know what I want...for right now. So I'm planning for those things. But life would of course be simpler if I knew what I should be planning for, and what I should be doing right now, and how I should best allocated my inner energies and outer energies. What dreams should I be crafting? Is it wrong to hold on to the old ones; what would replace them anyway, and and what if they're still the right dreams? How can I know?
Life is complicated.
What I really mean is, I didn't do very well on my GREs and now my professors seem to be depressed for me. It's already middle November so there's very very little time to correct for my blunder. One of the professors at Wesleyan I contacted basically indicated that she's not sure I'm going to get into any but the very worst schools on my list (which is okay because every school on my list is there for a reason--not just to fulfil a hierarchical role, but also because I genuinely like the faculty and programme). I'm not even sure the professor thinks it's that likely I'll get into that particular school either, though. This makes me life...well, full of rethinking. As I suppose it always is, but now it's sort of a public rethinking. Which is good for me. Let's overcome the awkwardness and the hindrances of pride! I'm feeling okay with it, actually, minus the part where who knows where I'll be in a year. I don't like that because I'm worried about myself when I think: oh god, will I be able to eat in a year? What about repaying student loans? What if, after not getting into ANY schools, I then can't find a job? It's a terrible market out there! Who wants Development Studies students anyway? What if I really, really can't find anything?
And those are my fears. They're not super pronounced, I should add, because I have lots of amazing friends here who are also becoming very good networking sources for me, and who promise they could find me jobs in India or South Africa if I wanted them (which I would). I'm trying to rethink whether it's a possibility to stay at Cambridge a while longer, since the faculty here is beginning to know me, and since...well, I really really like it.
Onto the next part of the story!
I really, really like it here. Like, more than I've ever, ever liked anywhere else--ever--on the face of the planet. And by that, I don't mean, 'Oh, it's more scenic than Amsterdam!' or 'Wow, it's so much cheaper than [some other place]!' or even 'I think I could stay the rest of my life here!' What I mean is that I like myself better. I like myself here. I like my life here. I love my life here. I love everything about it, more than I've ever, ever loved myself and my life anywhere else. I love being so close to London (my current favourite city ever). I love being in a place that I can cycle through endlessly and still find more areas that are undiscovered because, yes it's small, and yes it's a town not a city, but the ground keeps going. I love learning to cycle again and choosing to fall off of my bike and then get back on and making the kinds of choices that leave me liberated. I love putting in active effort into meeting people because we're not all crammed into the same small place. I love Autumn. I love how white the sky gets, and it always makes me think I'm going to wake up to snow or frost (though I haven't yet). I love that I just bought new cycle lights because somehow that makes me feel.... I can't even say! Ecstatic. Established. Something. I love that it's not a study abroad programme, because I'm actually a U of Cam student and I'm doing a postgraduate degree (how cool!) and living on my own money and (still) opening my own bank account and making all of my own decisions...in a foreign country. I like making fun of my British friends for saying 'herb' and 'tomahto' and 'potahto'. They love making fun of me for saying '(h)erb' and 'tomayto' and 'potayto'. Okay actually that gets a bit annoying, but it's still fun. I love that I'm here for a year. It's not a 4-month hiatus and then I'm gone again. It takes 2 - 3 months to get settled into any place, so what a tease those programmes are! I love thinking about how I'm going to be here in June still. What a treat! What a complete privilege! What a journey! It always surprises me because I think I'll be gone in March or April, but--no! I'll still be here. Maybe even longer. Who knows.
I love going to the grocery store here and using my points-reward card; love using sim cards in phones; love duct-taping my cycle basket more securely on so I'm not thrown off-balance when I ride through town. I love learning to cycle on the left side of the road (new development there). I love how I'm starting to be able to see my breath. I think walking is beautiful. I've always thought walking is beautiful, but now I think so again.
I'm happier (and more stable-ly happy) than I ever have been in my life before. I wake up in the morning and even if things suck because I only have 2 more weeks until my first application deadlines and I hardly feel ready in the slightest, and I also have 2 more maths quizzes to take before then and where will I find the time and shouldn't I be more focused on my MPhil work than on overseas maths?, I still feel happy. I love making my bed in the morning, with the beautiful hand-embroidered / cross-stitched pillowcases my Grandmother's Cousin gave me peaking out at me from behind the pillow I actually lay my head on (I cannot possibly dirty the beautiful stitchwork!); it makes me feel happy to look over and see that on my bed. I can't even tell you. All of my mood-swings I'm used to having from middle school, high school, Wesleyan x10, and even Amsterdam (truth)...have suddenly dissolved. Now I recognise that this is the result of many things. First, it is possibly the result of a temporary improvement in my moods that will backslide or itself disappear in the near or distant future. Total possibility. Second, I'm working really hard at this whole emotional stability issue. But it's also easier to resolve here than it was (for instance) at claustrophobic Wesleyan--which was a good place for me in many ways, but also in no way did anything to help my deep and frequent emotional fluctuations. Space is more clear here; there are fewer social obligations (despite the fact that there are many social outlets and everyone's always busy with socialising in addition to academics); I have room for myself. That's something new.
I guess that's the best thing about being here. It's not just that we have rolling country fields and flat roads making for easy cycling for miles and miles and miles. It's that we have the same kind of space for individuals. It's so beautiful.
Anyway, I love being here. November has been fabulous, despite the fact that I'm simultaneously grappling with issues of applications, life-decisions and the future.
love.
Well. It's been like 2 weeks or so.
Happy November!
November is a strange month because -- a) it's been my best month and b) it's a complicated month full of planning for the future, which is always a stressful and confusing process. I mean, who knows what comes next? And who knows what I really really want, hidden underneath all the things I've decided that I want--or, what I should say (and what I really mean) is: who knows what I will really want by the time I've graduated from here? See, that's the big question. Because I know what I want...for right now. So I'm planning for those things. But life would of course be simpler if I knew what I should be planning for, and what I should be doing right now, and how I should best allocated my inner energies and outer energies. What dreams should I be crafting? Is it wrong to hold on to the old ones; what would replace them anyway, and and what if they're still the right dreams? How can I know?
Life is complicated.
What I really mean is, I didn't do very well on my GREs and now my professors seem to be depressed for me. It's already middle November so there's very very little time to correct for my blunder. One of the professors at Wesleyan I contacted basically indicated that she's not sure I'm going to get into any but the very worst schools on my list (which is okay because every school on my list is there for a reason--not just to fulfil a hierarchical role, but also because I genuinely like the faculty and programme). I'm not even sure the professor thinks it's that likely I'll get into that particular school either, though. This makes me life...well, full of rethinking. As I suppose it always is, but now it's sort of a public rethinking. Which is good for me. Let's overcome the awkwardness and the hindrances of pride! I'm feeling okay with it, actually, minus the part where who knows where I'll be in a year. I don't like that because I'm worried about myself when I think: oh god, will I be able to eat in a year? What about repaying student loans? What if, after not getting into ANY schools, I then can't find a job? It's a terrible market out there! Who wants Development Studies students anyway? What if I really, really can't find anything?
And those are my fears. They're not super pronounced, I should add, because I have lots of amazing friends here who are also becoming very good networking sources for me, and who promise they could find me jobs in India or South Africa if I wanted them (which I would). I'm trying to rethink whether it's a possibility to stay at Cambridge a while longer, since the faculty here is beginning to know me, and since...well, I really really like it.
Onto the next part of the story!
I really, really like it here. Like, more than I've ever, ever liked anywhere else--ever--on the face of the planet. And by that, I don't mean, 'Oh, it's more scenic than Amsterdam!' or 'Wow, it's so much cheaper than [some other place]!' or even 'I think I could stay the rest of my life here!' What I mean is that I like myself better. I like myself here. I like my life here. I love my life here. I love everything about it, more than I've ever, ever loved myself and my life anywhere else. I love being so close to London (my current favourite city ever). I love being in a place that I can cycle through endlessly and still find more areas that are undiscovered because, yes it's small, and yes it's a town not a city, but the ground keeps going. I love learning to cycle again and choosing to fall off of my bike and then get back on and making the kinds of choices that leave me liberated. I love putting in active effort into meeting people because we're not all crammed into the same small place. I love Autumn. I love how white the sky gets, and it always makes me think I'm going to wake up to snow or frost (though I haven't yet). I love that I just bought new cycle lights because somehow that makes me feel.... I can't even say! Ecstatic. Established. Something. I love that it's not a study abroad programme, because I'm actually a U of Cam student and I'm doing a postgraduate degree (how cool!) and living on my own money and (still) opening my own bank account and making all of my own decisions...in a foreign country. I like making fun of my British friends for saying 'herb' and 'tomahto' and 'potahto'. They love making fun of me for saying '(h)erb' and 'tomayto' and 'potayto'. Okay actually that gets a bit annoying, but it's still fun. I love that I'm here for a year. It's not a 4-month hiatus and then I'm gone again. It takes 2 - 3 months to get settled into any place, so what a tease those programmes are! I love thinking about how I'm going to be here in June still. What a treat! What a complete privilege! What a journey! It always surprises me because I think I'll be gone in March or April, but--no! I'll still be here. Maybe even longer. Who knows.
I love going to the grocery store here and using my points-reward card; love using sim cards in phones; love duct-taping my cycle basket more securely on so I'm not thrown off-balance when I ride through town. I love learning to cycle on the left side of the road (new development there). I love how I'm starting to be able to see my breath. I think walking is beautiful. I've always thought walking is beautiful, but now I think so again.
I'm happier (and more stable-ly happy) than I ever have been in my life before. I wake up in the morning and even if things suck because I only have 2 more weeks until my first application deadlines and I hardly feel ready in the slightest, and I also have 2 more maths quizzes to take before then and where will I find the time and shouldn't I be more focused on my MPhil work than on overseas maths?, I still feel happy. I love making my bed in the morning, with the beautiful hand-embroidered / cross-stitched pillowcases my Grandmother's Cousin gave me peaking out at me from behind the pillow I actually lay my head on (I cannot possibly dirty the beautiful stitchwork!); it makes me feel happy to look over and see that on my bed. I can't even tell you. All of my mood-swings I'm used to having from middle school, high school, Wesleyan x10, and even Amsterdam (truth)...have suddenly dissolved. Now I recognise that this is the result of many things. First, it is possibly the result of a temporary improvement in my moods that will backslide or itself disappear in the near or distant future. Total possibility. Second, I'm working really hard at this whole emotional stability issue. But it's also easier to resolve here than it was (for instance) at claustrophobic Wesleyan--which was a good place for me in many ways, but also in no way did anything to help my deep and frequent emotional fluctuations. Space is more clear here; there are fewer social obligations (despite the fact that there are many social outlets and everyone's always busy with socialising in addition to academics); I have room for myself. That's something new.
I guess that's the best thing about being here. It's not just that we have rolling country fields and flat roads making for easy cycling for miles and miles and miles. It's that we have the same kind of space for individuals. It's so beautiful.
Anyway, I love being here. November has been fabulous, despite the fact that I'm simultaneously grappling with issues of applications, life-decisions and the future.
love.
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